Xen Dream Journal - Entry 1

In this dream, I am in Walmart, specifically. I had to meet my narcissist ex-boyfriend to purchase something for him. The only reason I can think of, that I would have to buy this man anything is because someone was in dire need, ie, they would die, or be harmed horribly if I turned him, or his family down. His mother is a senior in advanced years, and at the moment he lives off her pension, so I can only imagine that either his mother, or his child needed something dearly.

He owes me thousands of dollars (for various living costs), and of course my precious, precious time (which he could never make up for). I supported him and his family for more than a year, and it took me what seemed like forever to crawl out from under his grasp.

Anyway, so I'm there in Walmart, and buying something for them. For some reason, I allowed him to take my credit card and swipe it through the machine for me at the POS. (Of course I would probably never do this, but this is a nightmare after all.) After that I am in the back of the store with his Mom, and for some reason I'm looking at kitchen wares. I see him come up behind me with a cart full of goods. Of course, I then realize that he's used my card to buy hundreds of dollars worth of goods.

This is the crazy part though. At this point, he argues with me about how his daughter really needs an $80 robe, and his mother really needs this espresso machine, and I actually start to argue back at him with an honest, and well reasoned argument. I finally manage to get my card away from him, and then I go and cry in the car, because he won't take the things back, and I can not psychically force him to return all the goods that he's purchased. I panic and check my online status on my bank account, and then I wake up.

The worst part of this is that when I wake up, I realize that THIS WAS MY ACTUAL LIFE. Until April of this year, I was constantly being robbed, abused, taken advantage of, and I felt powerless to fight back. Why? After manipulating me to such a degree,  he always attempted to take it a step further.  His phone was turned off, so I had to buy a new plan and include him and his mother in it (for some reason). He even hurt me, and then denied he'd ever done it. While I have friends, or family that I could talk to about this, doing so was torture.  I didn't want to, and that's the most important part of my story.

Why couldn't I talk to anyone? It's simple. If you have someone constantly abusing you, who is the person who can stop it? That's right. It's just you. You've let them compromise you on so many little things, and then it slowly escalates to the point where they are straight up robbing you on a daily basis. You're holding onto that tiny piece of self esteem. 

So, you can't tell people that: 1. You're brilliant, but also dumb enough to let someone do this to you. 2. The reasons why you're trapped in that situation. (For me, he threatened me with squatters rights or stealing my car. He did steal it by the way.) 3. How you are dumb enough to let someone abuse you like this. 4. You feel guilty if you someone has no phone/ car or is out on the street. 5. Starting this conversation with almost anyone will end with them giving you a ton or advice, belittling you, or giving you even more guilt, because you've allowed it to happen. 6. When you do tell someone, it just makes you feel worse about yourself. In the retelling of the story, you really are the only one to blame, and you got yourself into this situation. 7. Then, if he finds out you spoke to someone, there is hell to pay and more abuse, but it's even worse, because you did it to yourself. You feel like you shouldn't have told anyone. 8. Every time you think about it or talk about it, it exhausts you, leaving you with an even higher stress level than if you hadn't said anything.

You blame yourself entirely. Thus, you tend to isolate yourself even further. 

Therein lies the trap! This is the trap of the narcissist, and this is how a con artist operates. A person who has very few morals, but all the time in the world will find ways to manipulate even the brightest, most grounded, but caring individuals. They'll find someone who's even pretty good looking, and then find ways to lower their self esteem, so that they're easier to control. They dominate your time so you can't even think. If you did take time away,  even a few days,  the clouds might begin to part. They can't have that.  You can't be allowed to think clearly.  

I'm here to tell you that it's not your fault! It is all them, and you are a toy that they play with. You are their job. (This is made more insane by the fact that it matters to them not if you are a single mom, disabled, or have personal limitations.) A severe narcissist, or psychopath do not care who they are taking advantage of. They will do it to anyone.

I made myself easy prey by keeping my life pretty basic, and private for a long time. If you are facing anything like this, you can contact me, and I won't judge you. We have actually all been there. Some have just had more trouble than others. Thus ends my first story, and my first dream telling. It's a warning, and a message. Those disordered people are out there, and they are just waiting for you to come along.